Molding the Mind's Mosaic During Pivotal Pre-teen Transitions

Navigating the tumultuous waters of middle school can feel like an insurmountable challenge, both for the kids experiencing it and the adults guiding them. That's why this episode, featuring mental health therapist Thomas Denton, is a beacon of hope and understanding. Thomas brings to light the complex emotional landscapes of adolescents, illustrating how their actions, from bullying to withdrawal, signify a deeper cry for help. His experience shines through as we dissect the layers of adolescent behavior, providing a roadmap for parents, teachers, and therapists to foster deeper connections with these young individuals.

Amidst the ever-pervasive influence of social media, our conversation takes a critical look at its impact on the impressionable minds of middle schoolers. With Thomas's expertise, we unravel strategies for developing self-control and emotional regulation, emphasizing the vital role of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and the importance of crafting a therapeutic environment that invites openness. This episode isn't just a discussion; it's a heartfelt exchange filled with gratitude for our listeners and the stories that enrich 'The Mosaic Life with Laura W.' Join us as we navigate these essential topics, providing support, insight, and a touch of transformation.

Website: https://guided-step.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/guidedstep/

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Transcript

Laura: 0:45

Good morning. I'm your host, laura Baden-Kanesh, owner and CEO of Mosaic Business Consulting, and you're listening to the Mosaic Life with Laura W. Mosaic is a bunch of pieces that, when put together, make up the whole ina really beautiful way, and this show plans to discuss the various pieces of the business throughout different industries and how these pieces, when put together, can help develop a better, more efficient and effective running of your business. To reach me, contact bizradious. Running of your business. To reach me contact bizradious.

Laura: 1:21

And our guest this morning is Thomas Denton, and I got to tell you this is going to be an interesting story and I can't wait till you get to hear him. His journey has really been heartfelt and he brings with him a wealth of personal and professional experiences to the table. As a mental health therapist, he works with middle school children a really tough age for most. Everybody got to tell you, middle school not a happy camper to help them overcome their challenges with managing their emotions, anxiety, depression, performance and testing taking angst and relationship challenges. Thomas received his bachelor's and master's degree in social work from Western Carolina University. He completed his internships at Elida Homes and the Black Mountain Academy and has worked as a direct care staff at the Autism Society of North Carolina and through his own practice, he's worked with middle school children at Highland Medical Associates.

Laura: 2:22

I think I got that wrong. If I got it wrong, he I think I got it right, but if I got it wrong, thomas will fix it. Anyway, it is such a pleasure to have you here, thomas. Thank you so much for joining us Wow.

Thomas : 2:34

Thank you so much, laura. Thank you so much for joining us. Wow, thank you so much, laura. No, you got it right, it was all right.

Laura: 2:39

Thank you Absolutely. You obviously have a wealth of experience in working with children and adolescents and such, and I'm just wondering what prompted you to choose to become a therapist in the first place.

Thomas : 2:54

Yeah, it's so interesting hearing my past be formally introduced in a way like this. Yeah, yeah. So I started working with children and adolescents when I was a child. As a 15 year old, not knowing what I should do with my whole life, I started as a camp counselor at a camp called Camp Thunderbird in Lake Wylie, and that was like one of the first starting points of why do I like working with kids and, in my starting place, of how I got here.

Laura: 3:33

And so was it the camp experience of working with youth that you thought this is really fun or, you know, were there.

Thomas : 3:45

You know what prompted you to choose the social work path versus going into some other industry in your life in your life, yeah, so being a camp counselor is a small stepping stone and I realized I liked working with kids and adolescents there. But what really prompted me to start thinking about social work and being a therapist is having a therapist on my own. So I was at Fork Union Military Academy for five years of my high school and part of my middle school years. It was an all-male boarding school, really difficult, and I was, in a short summarized version, sent there because of quote-unquote behavioral problems and academic problems. But really that's where I really started to take my own therapy process seriously. I had been in therapy before going to Fork Union, but after going there is when I really started taking therapy seriously for myself and over time, what helped me create what I'm doing now? I'm being a therapist myself now.

Laura: 5:02

Yeah, and it sounds like there were. You know, you talk about like behavior problems and adolescent problems, academic problems, when we hear that sometimes people think, in particular with behavior problems, oh, the kid's acting out all the time. But there are other problems that young children, you know, young adolescents, tweens and adolescents all experience and it may manifest itself in different ways. What are some of those things? That ways that people struggle or that kids struggle, you know, behaviorally or emotionally, or all that stuff or emotionally or all that stuff.

Thomas : 5:52

Yeah, I was just at a conference for school counseling yesterday and what I keep coming back to in my practice when I work with kids is that all behavior is really communication. How is this kid trying to get their needs met? How?

Laura: 6:05

is this kid trying to get their needs?

Thomas : 6:07

met and whether it's yelling at a teacher or refusing to do schoolwork or whatever, this kid is trying to get a need met, and so we all kind of I don't know think about. What are those most common behaviors?

Thomas : 6:26

when we think about adolescents and I think about bullying behaviors. When we think about adolescence and I think about bullying and I think about conflicts with peers, I think about talking back to their parents, refusing to do schoolwork. These are all societal, like behaviors quote unquote that are deemed bad, quote unquote. You know, but I kind of see it as we are all, as humans, just trying to get our needs met, and kids that don't really have control over anything, really very, very little, are just trying to get their needs met with these behaviors that come out in different ways.

Laura: 7:04

And when you talk about bullying, for example, are you talking about they are the bulliers or they are being bullied?

Thomas : 7:12

I've worked with both. Yeah, I've seen both sides of it and it's easy from the outside perspective, whether you're a parent or an adult, looking at a kid's situation or your kid's being bullied, it's easy to be like, oh, how terrible of this little human to be saying these things or doing these things to my kid or another kid. But to see it from the other perspective for a second and seeing it in like the therapy, in the therapy sessions, um, these kids are just like every other kid, trying to get their own need met and a lot of times they come from just chaotic households and um, and having to live in environments where they have no say over really anything and they struggle to feel safe in these environments. And so, yeah, just kind of seeing it from that different perspective as a therapist has kind of helped me work through some of these societal beliefs of bad kids quote unquote or bad behavior.

Laura: 8:25

Yeah, yeah, and you know, when we talk about anxiety, I think a lot of the time we think about a person who's nervous, who on edge, who. But I sense from what you're sharing that anxiety manifests itself in different ways with different kids. So what are some of the other things that, like we as society should see and maybe then imagine ourselves in that person's shoes differently, like, what are some of the things we signs? We should look out for something along those lines.

Thomas : 9:09

Yeah, yeah, you hit it on the head really. Like anxiety can come out in so many different ways. We all have, I feel, like a general sense of like what a panic attack is or high anxiety in a person, and it is like the shaking or nervousness or whatever.

Thomas : 9:27

But really anxiety can come out in perfectionism too um where someone is killing it, like they have straight a's and they're doing everything that they're doing, but on the inside they are so overwhelmed with anxiety of I need to do this, I need do that or someone's going to be disappointed. That's a small example. Anxiety can come out in bullying. Anxiety can come out in talking back.

Laura: 9:56

Anxiety can come back in I'm not going to school and so, yeah, we often have a narrow viewpoint of what anxiety is for a young person, and it's much more as well, and they're learning how to deal with those body changes, the societal influences and demands of them, and at the same time it seems like the studies are ramping up a bit right. The competitive nature of studying and learning and growing seems to be on fast forward, if you will right.

Thomas : 10:52

Yeah, for sure. And then throw social media in the mix and boom.

Laura: 10:55

Oh gosh.

Thomas : 10:56

Yeah, do we want to get into all that?

Laura: 10:59

I don't know. Go for it if you want to.

Thomas : 11:02

Oh goodness, it's so much.

Laura: 11:03

Yeah, yeah, so what has social media done to increase anxiety for people? Oh wow, Maybe the question is what hasn't it done, right yeah?

Thomas : 11:16

Yeah, really. What points has it not touched on to increase anxiety for young people? Yeah, I really, because I think social media started early on. They were talking about, like how young people compare themselves or increase in online bullying or things like that people have is so much more than any other generational generation before, and I I think they say that every generation but um. But really, like, the vast array of dangerous and unsafe content that they have access to 24 7 um is really scary for me actually.

Laura: 12:05

Can you give me an example of what would be considered? You know, maybe different examples, if you will, quick ones about social media and its influence on this generation, this population of middle schoolers yeah, yeah, to give a few like um, there's like uh violence online, whether it's shootings, mass shootings um sexual content that are of underage people or adults that kids should not have access to, of course, and the access to talk to unsafe people.

Thomas : 12:47

I unfortunately have to have those conversations with young people like why it's not okay to talk to a much older man that's reaching out to you online and and so, yeah, the access is is really the scary part, and then also having to coach the parents around hey, this is why your kid shouldn't have access to it, and maybe this is contributing to some of the behaviors they're exhibiting. Um, because they can't process that information. If they're seeing violence on their phone or sexual content, kids' brains aren't developed. There's reasons why we have consent ages and things like that, and so, yeah, just the access to a mass array of unsafe content is a lot of what contributes to the social media harm that it does to kids.

Laura: 13:46

Yeah, yeah. And with that, though, how is it then that you are able to help these young people with with their ability to go from whatever manifestation of the behaviors might be their anxiety might be exhibiting, to having more self-control and regulation, as you were talking about emotional regulation. Or you know how do you help in that process, or you know how do you help in that process.

Thomas : 14:23

Yeah, so I primarily like to work out of a framework called DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and so that's broken up into four different sections interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, mindfulness and distress tolerance. But really where I start a lot of the times is just for a kid to feel safe in different environments. Because I mean, if any of us are in an environment and we don't feel safe, we're not going to be able to be productive or think critically or make good decisions for ourselves. If we are in that level of panic, overwhelm, this is unsafe. I need to get out of here. We're not going to be able to do what we need to do for ourselves or take care of ourselves. So a lot of times for kids I'm starting with how do we get to a space where you feel safe, let's say, at school?

Laura: 15:22

Yeah.

Thomas : 15:23

And then building up coping skills around. Hey, you're having conflict with friends like what can we do to better manage relationships?

Laura: 15:36

Well, and, and when you're talking about, you know, building that safe space. How do you build that safe space in your office? Let's say, when you're dealing with a student, a young person, and they're, you know they're coming to your office, not necessarily, you're not necessarily seeing them in the school setting. Let's say, how do you create that safe space so they can then share and, you know, work on things and begin moving in a different direction?

Thomas : 16:12

Yeah, yeah, I um, it's a. It's a lot of different things I mean I even think about, like the color of my paint in my office and the fidgets I have here and um yeah, thinking through those small details is important because if, let's say, you have, your office is red and you're going in for therapy, it's like what the heck is this place, you know?

Laura: 16:35

Yeah, yeah, you know exactly Wow.

Thomas : 16:42

But also, like if you're, if your office is all white, for example, and all of your things are white and you're wearing a nice white button down shirt for, for example, um, that can be offsetting too. Like, oh, this is like too professional and, uh, trans or sterile, yeah, yeah, like I need to be clean walking in here, um, yeah, and so like thinking through even those small things on the therapist side I I want to be really intentional about. But beyond that, beyond, like, the physical environment space, I have a lot of kids that I meet for the first time and they're like nope, I'm not talking to you.

Laura: 17:21

Right. I can only imagine that's what I was thinking Like. How do you get a teenager to open up or a tween to open up, even Right?

Thomas : 17:30

Yeah, it's, for some it is. I've had, I've had sessions with some teenagers where they've never had a space. That's been this for them. Like, for example, they've always had a parent or guardian in on their meetings with their med management provider, or they have tried to open up to a school staff and they shut them down or whatever. And so I've had some teenagers where they come in and meeting for the very first time and just start opening up, completely crying and being like I have so much. I mean it's just showing in every way that they can I am handling so much right now and then walking into my space and feeling comfortable from the moment they step in, but then, like I said, I have others that nope, thomas, I am not talking to you and what I is.

Thomas : 18:33

I start from a very validating, strengths based perspective, like, yeah, therapy is hard and scary and um, because honestly, I remember for my young self being in a therapy office and being like no, not going to happen, and I'm scared and I can't talk about these things, um, and so really validating how vulnerable you have to be in that situation. And if they don't want to talk, I'm not here to force anyone to talk um, and so I uh, sometimes lean into parent coaching and working more with the parent, and sometimes I lean into just holding the space of yeah, therapy is really hard to get started. So, like I'm going to pull out some coping skills Uno cards and if we want to talk about the prompts on the coping skill Uno cards, we can, or we could just play Uno. You know that's not all we do for the session and a lot of times when yeah, just imagine.

Laura: 19:44

Yeah, oh, I got paid to play Uno.

Thomas : 19:47

No, no, I would say 99% of the time. When a kid is just like white knuckling it, I'm not talking to you when I show them. It's okay to feel those feelings. It's okay to feel scared about this. Let's start with a small step, like just interacting in a game type of format. 99% of the time they open up to me, or I mean at least start talking and engaging with me early in the session. And so, yeah, there's certain techniques and little tricks that I use to get young ones to open up to me, but sometimes it's difficult, yeah.

Laura: 20:32

Yeah, I was just thinking. You know, working with the that population seems to be like working with younger kids seems to be easier in many respects, cause there's not as many layers of walls on the onion, if you will. And and so it's when you start hitting the tweens and the teens. I'm like, oh, that's so hard in some ways. So I really appreciate what you're going through and more power to you, thomas.

Thomas : 21:02

No, laura, that's. That's my favorite age middle schoolers high schoolers. It is some of the. It was the most difficult part of my life so far. I mean, I had a terrible middle school experience and so it's really hard, and I love working through a lot of these things with young people.

Laura: 21:24

Fantastic, wow. Well, if people wanted to get to know more about you, get to learn more about your practice, where you are, how they might be able to seek your services, how can they reach out to you?

Thomas : 21:38

Yeah, so I have a business phone number that you can reach me, call or text. That's at 828-513-9292. And I have a website, guided-stepcom, and I'm opening my full-time private practice in July, which I am so excited about. Yeah, so that's me.

Laura: 22:02

Okay. Well, this is exciting. This is really really exciting, and I really want to thank you so much for sharing what you've brought out today. I'm certain we are touching on so many people's lives today, so thank you so much for sharing what you've brought out today. I'm certain we are touching on so many people's lives today, so thank you very much.

Thomas : 22:17

Yes, laura, thank you so much for having me.

Laura: 22:20

Yeah, and I want to thank you for listening to the Mosaic Life with Laura W. You can listen to this episode again and get this great content, or listen to other great hosts and their shows by going to bizradious and click on shows. Thanks so much for listening. Have a great rest of your day.